Hate Watch: Dancing With the Stars - Horror Night

Here’s another theme I didn’t think would work and am surprised about. I can immediately tell it’s gonna work somehow. 

But also: They’re really trying to make Shirley Ballas look intimidating. She’s flanked by grim reapers and wearing inferno red. But her smile is so sweet! What do I not know?

Originally I was going to rush to get caught up, but I realized one crucial part of the Hate Watch format is NOT rushing, because no one has a good time trying to cram or speed watch their way through anything. I want to be up to date and relevant, but I help run an entire publication, and I do other stuff at my home and with my family. These episodes are 1.5 hours long each week, and require a lot of individual thought. More are coming, but I’m not going to learn to love DWTS by not letting it happen organically in the time it takes. 

Now that we’re through my soliloquy that boils down to “better late than never” let’s become scared. This would be the perfect opportunity for the costume department to once again mount their campaign against Julianne Hough. We’ll see what develops.

I’m not sure how old Shirley Ballas is, other than knowing she has adult children the age of the other judges, but I do know that if I look like that at her age I would be doing outstanding. 

Meanwhile, I adore Julianne’s dress, and have nothing to make fun of. She slays in it. Pun intended, and I’m a little sad they didn’t do something truly bizarre and frightening. However, give a girl her moment. I don’t think Julianne has ever looked so impeccable on this show.

Some observations as they’re kicking it off. Oh dear sweet lord why’d they make anyone clowns, but also why Jackson? Maura and Mark are gory AF. Ezra has the cool goopy reptilian alien skin thing going on. Tatyana looks…elegant? I fail to see the fear factor there. Ghost? Elegant ghost? Otherwise I have a doll, a zombie apocalypse survivor, SAW guy, Black Swan…is that Amber in the Swan outfit? Naturally.

Ok, but seriously. Julianne’s dress is FIRE. What kind of world are we living in?

Meanwhile, 3 of 4 judges are wearing red. Carrie opted out. Shirley talks for about two sentences and I get it. She’s like “do it right, don’t play games. I will use this 2 paddle.” 

Nope. Yep, I fear her. But that kind of judge makes you better. If you stick around. 

Julia/Ezra - Argentine Tango - Omen

Julia’s still emotional about the Heath tribute. I get that. I guess they’re doing Omen, and because I somehow missed it, I now need to see the remake with Julia in it, which I’m intensely interested in as a fan of her and the original.

The training package was interesting because we finally see her bark back at Ezra, but then realize that she’s overwhelmed and that he’s being hard on her on purpose because this week’s dance is really hard, and Shirley is tougher than he is. Maybe it’ll help. 

She was in an Omen remake? I need to see that.

Julia does look scary. I like the choreo. She’s a natural to scary movement. Her typical severe face works here, but also I think she’s giving it more flair and emotion. Meanwhile, this looks really hard.  And that dismount at the end, are you KIDDING ME?

Ok, bring it then.

Intrusive thought: I need a mirror ball skeleton right.now. 

Judging: 

Shirley praises the conversation between the two. But she’s harsh and right away mentions that there wasn’t much tracing. She follows that up with a ton of technical critique that I could not follow as fast as she gave it. She mentions sharper legs, posture not being quite right, but says it was a good start. That’s not boding particularly well. 

Bruno has a lot of praise for her character, saying she brought the fierceness he was looking for, but he doesn’t really praise any technique, and this is him glossing over it, I think.

Carrie is similarly harsh and says that she was tight and not free.

Derek mentions that the music was big, and that might have hurt, but also says that this was a low in her journey, and you can see that sting. I feel like overall they were a little too harsh. Did they see the last lift/dismount? It takes balls to throw yourself at the floor that way, and she really committed. I dunno. 

We get: 7, 7, 4, 8 and with that, Shirley changes the curve. Yikes.

Harry Shum Jr. - His Pro - Contemporary - SAW

Our boy Harry isn’t super into horror, and something about him just screams “Duh!” to that statement.

So naturally, he’s got SAW. Which is a little bit hilarious. This is contemporary. I think that’s gonna play to his strengths.What does not help? His schedule sucks right now. I’d say that’s not fair but it seems like most of the people on this show have had conflicting schedule weeks at some point so, nevermind.

I absolutely hate this version of Toxic. It’s barely a song, which is making this weird. 

No, not into this. Trying to be. I thought it’d be one of his best. Will give him that fall at the end though, it was amazing.

Judges?

Bruno says he can taste the fear, but what I think he was tasting was cheese. “Everything is perfection?” Hard disagree. 

Carrie also uses the p word right away, saying it was “so perfect, so dynamic.” Ok, like, it was fine but was it perfect? WTF? Shirley, help us out.

Derek’s next though, and he praises Harry’s strength. He mentions he liked the acting, and that there was good choreo and contortion. So I think I’m most in line with this thoughts.

Shirley loved the locomotor movements, running, leaping and bending. She loves his narrative and thought it was a sincere performance. She was really into it. Ok, well, I could just be weird.

As much as I hate the short little interjection dances, we have a Beetlejuice interlude. I’m never gonna not love the music and costumes from Beetlejuice.I hate that they’re 30 seconds long but whatever.

I wonder what the tour would be like. Maybe I WILL go hate watch that.

Carrie dishes out a 10, Derek 10, Shirley 10, Bruno 10. Ok, what the hellington?

Tatyana Ali, I Lied to You, Sinners - Paso Doble

Last week was probably the highest high point for them so far. For me. Tatyana is shook because Shirley’s well known as the queen of latin and they’re the only ones doing Latin. I need information, because I thought maybe Argentine Tango was a latin dance, but maybe I know nothing.

Tatyana always fights for it. She’s gonna be the final girl, she says, and she’s not scared. When she comes out, she looks good. I understand the dress in context with the set, which really, and I mean really, sets the mood. She’s got a really good intensity going, and…I’m seeing her come forward.

She also just peeled her partner’s face off, so…Cool? I don’t know enough about paso doble to know how well she hit the frame and technique though. It felt convincing to me.

Carrie gives her the praise I’d give her first, saying it was the most powerful and embodied dance for her yet. She says the skirt was a little much but it was an amazing performance. I guess they don’t appreciate skirtography.

Similarly, Derek says he’s buying whatever she’s selling, though he does think she needed more energy, and to go a little harder because she became a little soft in places. I see that, but man, that’s such a hard dance.

Shirley really didn’t like it. She calls it a “theatrical” paso doble right away, and you can tell it’s not really a compliment. She said it didn’t have enough flamenco style, but she did see the power and theatrics. 

Bruno, meanwhile, felt the beast coming out and loved it. He says she made a meal out of it, and I think Tatyana’s strength is largely in acting and embodying characters, similarly to Julia, but they both have similarly overthinking brains and a little too much bookishness at times.

Julianne makes a jab at Jan about his “teeth” not winning him any noms for sexiest pro, but it feels personal and awkward. Who writes this stuff? Or is it improv? No.

Carrie 8, Derek 8, Shirley 4, Bruno 8. Ouch tho, Shirley.

One of Tatyana’s friends looks legit pissed. He’s sorta mean mugging the camera when it comes to him. I love that for her. 

Jenna DeWan and Val - (who is back - ) 28 Weeks Later - Argentine Tango 

Intrusive thought: GIANT glitter skeleton. Pack it up. I need it.

Val apologizes for the chaos surrounding the prior week, and all is forgiven. He still seems upset by it even so.  Jen loves zombies and gives us an interesting tidbit in the training montage, saying that zombie movies often look for dancers for the weird sorta broken movements to make things really scary. 

But she’s not gonna be a zombie, she’s a final girl. We screen test her horror scream and I agree, she gets the job. This turns out to be everyone’s injury week, starting with her. She’s having upper back problems that are apparently genetic, and she’s getting sharp pains whenever she’s tossed around. Cut to her getting tossed around a lot in practice.

I feel like the footwork is there with this dance, but the music isn’t really accentuating it.

Music is not working with the dancers this week in a lot of cases. She certainly brings the drama though. 

Derek, on the other hand, says it’s one of the best Argentine tangoes he’s seen on this floor. He keeps calling it unbelievable, and says that Val’s choreo was sensational.  He’s just repeating unbelievable now, and seems genuinely impressed. 

Shirley says that she loves to see twisting from upper and lower half, and she saw it. Great footwork, lovely ochos, and emotion. She mentions a mistake where she got caught in her dress but kicked it off. I didn’t even see it and apparently Derek didn’t either, but that’s a credit to how well she danced it.

Bruno is saying it was full of beauty and power and technique. He says she showed power, passion and incredible lyricism. I think he values lyricism in a way the others don’t quite as much. 

Carrie, meanwhile, praises Val’s choreo, so they seem fine now, and says that Jenna was “so precise” and that the dance as a whole was perfection. Hold that thought.

Cynthia Erivo will be on hand for Disney week next week. That oughta be interesting.

And to scores: Carrie gives them a 9. But perfection!  Derek’s a 10, Shirley’s a 9, and Bruno’s a 9. 

Intrusive thought: Glitter skull with actuating jaw and big chonky rhinestones: NEED. I have a problem.

Anyway…

Connor Wood and Rylee: Annabelle - Contemporary

Can he lift her? Honest to god, we’re all scared of Shirley. She’s shown she can go low and that she will no matter who you are, and mad respect for that. There’s a lot of pressure on this. Also, Connor has to stop dropping Rylee.

Rylee is kinda the star of this, and she’s creepy before she even moves. She’s doing a LOT, and it’s incredible, and I’m not mad at it. They’re both doing well though. He gets the lift off well. She creeps me the hell out the whole time. But he’s playing his part perfectly and really really kind of turns into someone else. Until she snaps his neck. Yeah, this one worked.

Even Shirley says they did a great job.  Bruno praises the storytelling, saying it was like a movie starring Rylee (yes, it was). He dubs Connor the Contemporary King though as he really melted into that role. Derek is so into people this week and he says this was perfect choreo, costumes, execution and acting. I mean, so perfect perfect. RIGHT?

Derek gives the 10 that’s appropriate when you call something perfect. Carrie gives a 10 also.  Shirley hits us with an 8, and Bruno is a 9.  Honestly, this was an honest to God transformation for him and I like seeing it. Rylee also killed it. And him.

Ezra Frech, Invisible Man (2020) - Jazz

Hey, Ezra’s mom was in Saw III. And he does not like that movie, because he does not want to see his mom get tortured. This is fair. 

Now they’re giving him notes about beeing eerie and having unfinished lines and I think his perfection and athleticism can be an issue when you’re talking character notes and “unfinishing” as a concept, but we’ll see.

He also has an injury, this time from overuse of this prosthetic. He’s got a blister forming. You can tell his partnership is pretty solid, because she’s right there inspecting it close-up. He said it feels like being poked by a needle with every step, and that sounds horrible, but as so often happens in sports and the military, he basically resolves to entirely ignore it.

Eeriness, unfinished lines

Lot of pain in rehearsal. Has a cyst or a blister on his stump. From overuse of the prosthetic. It feels like getting poked by aneeedle ever step. Yikes. It’s just gonna hurt.

He was VERY creepy in the beginning and the final kick she gave was a showstopper in this one. I still don’t feel it’s his strongest though, and it felt a little bit like he was in pain at some points.

Bruno is here for the drama and calls him a shapeshifting fiend, and that’s about right.  Carrie says she didn’t see the injury at all, and asks him to work more on focus and acting. I could see that. Derek kind of echoes that and says it was athletic but needs more lyricism and storytelling. I like that we’re getting so much more technical. Do we have Shirley yet? 

Shirley says jazz is subjective, and disagrees with Carrie and Derek, saying that she enjoyed the storyline and that the lifts were really good and in place. A firm well done.

Random green costume 30 second dance.

Up in the skybox at least his interview is interesting. Julianne asks about the leg, and he blows it off, for the most part. Then they talk about how many amputees recreated his blade lift from last week, and you can tell how proud he is to have been part of that moment, and he says it was one of the first moves specific for his community, and that’s …really really cool. 

Scores: Carrie: 8, Derek: 9, Shirley 9, Bruno 9.  Interesting  - Carrie was the lowest.

Jackson Olson  with Emma Slater, Joker - 

So Jackson’s going to be the Joker. That’ll work for him, I have no doubt. He’s saying it might be hard to be creepy but cheesy and creepy are two sides of the same coin. No shade to him at all, but the cheese if done right can make a character incredibly creepy. Especially one like Joker.

And he knows he can’t be himself for this. I want to see him do well so badly because he’s so into what he’s doing from week to week. He takes the notes to heart and he always goes after that. He’s incredibly coachable and so it’s hard to want anything but a solid win from him.

I like that they used a classic style non Ledger/Phoenix Joker suit, I think it plays well to his strengths.

Edge and chaos, and it’s immediately apparent he can do this. He’s playing both sides of the coin. He’s malevolent, and scary.  That was pretty cool. He’s even pulling Jack Nicholson’s Joker almost directly and reminding me why people do think he’s the best of them. He really did well.

Carrie says it was kind of weird but in a good way, and THAT is the Joker. Nailed it. She says he went really dark and she loved his movement quality, and that it was accurate to the character. Couldn’t agree harder.

Derek mentions he hates clowns first. And like, me too. But he says it was fantastic. And, well, me too.

Shirley first mentions that landing or taking off could be more sure footed. She gives him props for a challenging routine. She, like me and Derek, found it terrifying, and I find her little giggle of delight at being terrified incredibly endearing. 

Bruno says what I think the most clearly: Joker is your trump card. It’s chaos and madness and it’s delicious.  Yeah, nailed it. It’s honestly his best character. He really just became all of that. That cheesy grin turned sinister real easy, and his movements matched. 

Jackson himself says he loved it because he got to dress up and have fun, and I think the heavy costuming let him really come out of his cheesy ass shell. He mentions how much he loves dressup and then goes into a little tangent about seeing kids dress up as him, and he’s tearing up. He used to dress as Derek Jeter and never thought anyone would dress up like him. Ok, fine. This isn’t supposed to be cry night, Jackson. But…that’s awesome.

We get 9s all around from our judges, other than Shirley who gives him an 8. I think that’s pretty right on.

Tyler Cameron - Dracula - Viennese Waltz

Last week was so good for Tyler, with the gender reveal in his dedication to his mom. But... Oh no. I fear we're not making it out of this one.

Thanks I hate it.

Nice reverse lift in this. And to be clear, I’m not rooting for him to do badly, though I think people are thinking his time is up. That said, I didn’t need to.  This dance is plainly illustrating that his dancing is not on the level fo the other competitors. Not in storytelling or technique. And I’m sorry but that’s just…cringe. The cringe I blame on costume and music.

Yeah, dawg. I’m sorry.

Derek says he was very smooth for such a big guy and I wish people would stop qualifying things in that way. You’re pretty for your size vibes exist here. He says he loved watching him and tells him to be proud. 

Shirley praises his acting skills but tells him he needs to drive forward on his feet, and then gives a litany of technical critique that I don’t want to attempt and mess up, so I’m not going to.

Bruno says he felt it, but the waltz is very difficult and tells him not to lean in when he leads, or he’ll lose his frame.

Carrie praises him dancing down to her height but disagrees with everyone else about the acting, which was the weakest part for her. Score time?

Carrie: 7, Derek 7, Shirley 5, Bruno 7

He’s visibly unhappy. I get it.

Amber Glenn and Pasha - Black Swan - Argentine Tango

But first PRODUCT PLACEMENT TIME:  it’s time to talk about Sephora. Sephora Sephora Sephora. Ok, cool.

Yes, her eye makeup is cool.

Now, Black Swan was a great choice for her as a perfectionist who’s dance adjacent and also a skater and athlete. But the connection goes deeper because she used this song for a regional competition she won when she was 11. So this is a first win song. I feel like the pressure is on for this one for her because of that. 

However, it’s NOT Argentine Tango music. Like, not at all, and the choreo does not feel tangoey. I recognize the footwork, but I do not get the music.

Bruno is my favorite because he gets me, and his first comment is that the music was weird. IT was though. 

Shirley praises her grace and flow and attributes it to her skating. Now, I can picture a stunningly beautiful skating routine to this music. But the tango? Not at all.

Carrie says that she was tight and needs more intensity, and not to confuse intensity with stillness. 

Derek latches on to the perfection angle of the story Amber’s telling and says “Perfection is the lowest standard you can have because it’s unattainable, so you’re constantly living in disappointment.” 

Can we cross-stitch that on a pillow for me?

Something is said about a future in which Julianne and Alfonso choose and then join teams, and I never rewound to find out what the hell they’re talking about. So, it’ll be for next time.

I still think most of Julianne’s Skybox questions are weird. Like, there’s usually one way to answer if you’re not insane. 

For scores, we get 9s from everyone. 

Maura Higgins will be next, but not until another weird middle thing happens. This one is longer though, and so it’s a lot more…cohesive? I’m not sure what the movie reference is. Everyone’s dressed like Britney from her debut music video…and that happened. 

I guess it’s for Hexed, which is in theaters November 25th.  Thanks for that, Disney, I guess.

Maura Higgins and Mark Ballas - Lost Boys Contemporary 

Our last dance of the night belongs to Maura and Shirley’s son.  So that’s a fun one. They’re both really bloody for this, and I’m glad they didn’t go Disney bloody.  

Maura isn’t a scary Halloween gal though, she prefers sexy. But we are bringing scary.  In her training package we see that she keeps getting dizzy and that she’s not sure of her acting skills. She seems more nervous than usual.

When she gets on the floor though, she’s doing scary incredibly well. She’s actually being quite scary, and there’s a lot of rise and fall that’s really good too.  

The song is actually working here, and the vocals are live by BC Jean. I feel like I should know who that is, but I don’t. Props anyway.

Bruno does his silly thing and says Mark should see a dentist. I’m rolling my eyes. But then he says that Maura makes horrible look beautiful, and that she’s just beautiful all the time in anything you put on her. She does have that going for her. He says she was fantastic lyrically, but mentions she needs to get everything from the ground through the body. I’m not entirely sure I fully understand that note.

Carrie calls her dark but alluring, but there’s no real meat to her criticism. Derek says she’s a phenomenal performer and say she was weirdly, creepily seductive. Agree. He does mention that she should point her toes and watch her arm extensions though.

Shirley praises the dynamic parts with the height changes, brings out a creepy little shoe and shows her to rotate her feet for flow. She’s just next level and I don’t have the chops to understand her. Good job well done though, so ok.

Derek: phenomenal performer, weirdly creepily seductive. Good character. Point toes.  Arm extensions

Maura, meanwhile, is finding she’s loving being creepy surprisingly.

Scores on this are everywhere. We get Carrie’s 9, Derek’s 8, Shirley’s 7 and Bruno’s 8. 

We get a reminder that last week’s scores factor directly into this ranking, and that makes me think this: 

You have to vooooote!

The way it sorts out, the scoring was all over the place here. Julia is at the bottom and so is Tatyana. Those are my girls!

Harry and Amber were at the top.  

I think Jackson did better than he scored, and Connor needed better scores too

Connor and Rylee are first called safe! Yay! Amber and Pasha - ok, whatevs. Harry and Jenna, ok, fine.  Jenna and Val - yeah, that one for sure.  Ezra and Daniella are safe.  Maura and Mark also safe. Julia and Ezra are safe. Ok.

But two of our three are going home and I’m in love with two of our three after tonight. I can’t lose Tatyana but Jackson did SO GOOD. But so did Tatyana. This sucks. Tyler, however, I’m ready for to go. I don’t mean to be mean about it, but the skill level isn’t there with his peers.

Tatyana stays, and I’m really sad about Jackson because I think it was his best night ever. I mean, maybe going out on a high is better? I still feel like it sucks. 

Tyler’s exit interview was sweet. He really loved working with his pro and they’re giving a “we’re dating” vibe. Are they dating? I’m gonna need to do some diggin’ aren’t I?

Time to hit Hates and Greats

Hates:

• Some of the music just did NOT work with the dance styles. I feel like they need to be so much more mindful of that than if it goes with the theme. There were three dances tonight that I think were really hurt by the music versus the dance style. Two of them were tango. 

  
  

• I hate the supershort interstitial dances. Just forget it. Combine them into one longer ensemble piece or just don’t.

  
  

• TODAY’S EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY BRAWNDO:  I realize, and trust me when I say this, that you want to get your advertising in front of the most eyes as you can at once. I realize that this show pulls numbers unheard of in this era of streaming and fractured mainstream media. I just really don’t like loud advertising, and it takes up a lot of time. Each one of these monsters is already just shy of 90 minutes, and that’s no matter how many couples we get down to. That’s not how other shows did it. Idol did two nights, and then eventually just one, and so did SYTYCD and I think that is appreciated. We don’t even try cutting the fat, we just stuff it with more Sephora/Hexed/Cat in the Hat/etc.

Greats:

• Partnerships: I can really see the partnerships deepening, and it’s making everything better to watch. They’re not new to each other anymore.

  
  

• Skill Level-Up - I think almost everyone has really, really taken it up a notch. There were a lot more people I had to constantly worry about that I liked and those people have certainly glown up.  Tatyana and Julia both being examples of sorta bottom runners that are coming up slowly.

  
  

• Costumes: There’s a lot of reality shows that I think like to humiliate hosts and cast alike. Now, this is something I generally complain about with Julianne but they made her a straight siren this episode, and the costumes OTHER THAN TYLER’S were great.  OTHER THAN TYLER’S.

  
  

• That version of TOXIC. It made me actually angry. 

  
  

But no one will be angry on Disney night? Right? We’ll just watch cartoons and hug and be friends, at a point in the competition where we’ve just had a double cut and a lot of technique critique?

Find out next time, when I finally finish that article!