Notes from the Cinema: Madame Web

I'll be honest, there was no way I was heading into Madame Web with an open mind and that kinda sucks. But it's not entirely on me. Sony have sculpted a very, VERY, bad superhero reputation after accidentally stumbling upon a good one in the 2000s. Spiderman and Spiderman 2 were fantastic movies that really let Sam Raimi go wild in creating his particular vision of Spider-man, that 60s nerd turned hero but somehow jettisoned into modern day, and made it work.

But almost immediately after Spiderman 2, that gold started to tarnish. The Punisher is not the worst thing ever, but it's far from great. Nicolas Cage Ghost Rider? That's wholeheartedly in the so bad they're good spectrum. The rebooted Amazing Spider-man? So many great ideas overstuffed into two movies, making for an exhausting unfinished experience. For every Spider-man Into the Spiderverse there's Morbius and two Venoms. Pretty much literally.

So instead of giving you an in depth review about how bad this movie is (and boy is it terrible) and how much I actively enjoyed watching it (I love this dumb movie), I'm going to give you my slightly abridged notes that I took while watching Madame Web in theatres. I've omitted any of my acting comments (just assume the actors were bored or confused throughout) and focused mostly on plot point so spoilers ahead. But if we're still being honest, it doesn't matter. I could rundown every bit of the movie and they way it actually happens on screen is so unbelievably silly that spoilers may improve it.

Also here's the trailer for Madame Web, which after watching the movie I am incredibly confused as to what movie they thought they were advertising.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WAyzEOeeBZw

• This driving seems erratic for an emergency vehicle

• Is that supposed to be Ben Parker?

• Why can't you bend cardboard?

• Are they not allowed to mention Aunt May?

• Hey, Mike Epps!

• If this is Pespi product placement, why does she not want Pepsi?

• I would say all those names are pretty close to Peter...

• Wait are they not allowed to mention Peter Parker?

• These goofy future whispers don't work

• Is that a Spider-man S (spoilers its better (?))

• This ADR or dubbing or completely replacing a characters voice is done REALLY badly. Like old martial arts movie badly.

• NO MIKE EPPS!

• Why is she watching a Christmas movie in the summer?

• FEET

• Spider-Person?

• FEET

• Is he switching in and out of that costume or are they all hallucinating?

• Wait, those are the only connections between all the characters?

• Just leaving the teens in the woods huh?

• The cat doesn't care about your embarrassment Madame Webb.

• OMG HER NECK

• I know it's a movie but they probably shouldn't have made the trek to the diner on foot be shorter than a car racing to it from the same spot, short cut or not.

• Hit more Evil Spider-Persons with cars

• Why are you returning to the scene of the crime?

• oh its a dream sequence but also a thing that actually happened because they are psychically connected?

• HOW ARE YOU LEAVING THE COUNTRY? YOU'RE WANTED FOR KIDNAPPING!

• Do the spiders slow aging?

• Didn't Mother Webb write anything about her unborn child's illness in her diary? or did you not read it Madame Webb?

• WHY BLOW UP THE BUILDING?

• WHY ARE YOU MAGIC?

• WHY IS THE "S" FROM A PEPSI SIGN?

• FIREWORKS ARE DANGEROUS

• ...Madame Webb is Batman but her wards' families are just assholes and not dead. But the high-tech wheelchair is giving Professor X vibes so maybe that's a more apt analogy.

• Much like the Fast and Furious series this movie is about FAMILY