Spider-Man: Sad New Day

Follow me here, True Believer. I have a point with this detour.

In the fifth season of Happy Days, things were looking a little played out. Richie Cunningham was aging quickly for America's Favorite Teen. Just two years before, the Duke of Cool, Arthur Fonzarelli had literally jumped the shark and viewers were starting to wish the shark had gotten the Fonz. The Happy Days megahit was starting to fade.

But then a little indie sci fi film about space taxation, Star Wars, exploded into the cineplex and everyone suddenly had alien fever! Donny and Marie Osmond did a whole Star Wars themed episode with Kris Kristofferson as Han Solo. The Star Wars crew celebrated Life Day and Happy Days creator, Garry Marshall, correctly sensing the alien mania of the zietgist said, "Happy Days Needs An Alien."

By God, he was correct!

A young, up-and-coming comic from Los Angeles blew everyone away in his auditions and Robin Williams became Mork from Ork and debuted in Happy Days, trying to kidnap Ron Howard for the deluxe, full anal probe, before The Fonz beat him back with... his thumb. (That's true. Look it up.) As back-door pilots go, this was a pretty succesful one.

A back-door pilot is when a TV show producer wants to make a different show and doesn't have the studio approval (or budget) to make it. So he conveniently guest-stars a whole new character and concept in the middle of his successful show, disregarding the plot of his successful show and secretly launches a new series from within.

The Happy Days episode was a hit. Kids loved Mork and the network ordered a whole series of Mork & Mindy. Garry Marshall's little back-door pilot was a success and so was his first back-door pilot, Laverne & Shirley.

Which brings me to Spider-Man: Brand New Day.

Spider-Man: Brand New Day is a backdoor pilot for not one, but two different potential spin-off movies. One starring The Punisher. (He's in the trailer. So no spoiler here.) And the other starring Sadie Sink's "mysterious" character. We already know Sink's character is signed on for at least Avengers 6. (And might even show up in the massive party-boat that is Avengers 5: It's Doomsday Time.) This movie has two different spin-off movies incubating in it's chest, ready to burst out on movie-goers in 2027.

And so Peter Parker, in a 2.5 hour long back-door pilot for these other, yet-to-be made movies, has to solve the easiest possible mystery for anyone who's read a Marvel comic in the past 60 years, using his unique and individual superpower:

Conversations.

So many conversations.

Conversations at crime scenes.

A few phone calls.

Conversations on multiple rooftops.

A few more phone calls.

More rooftop conversations.

Then a conversation in an active battle scene.

Then conversations in a govt facility.

And also conversations in his memories.

And also a conversation in a hospital room.

And at a gravesite.

So many conversations.

My God. The conversations.

And it's hard to gain momentum in your Spider-Man movie, if so many scenes are conversations between two or three characters in static locations. (The Doomsday trailer seems to continue this trend. It's one conversation after another with multiple characters, all in static locations. Galactus help us.)

Spider-Man: Brand New Day also features my least favorite version of Spider-Man. Sad Spider-Man. Sad Spider-Man doesn't quip when he fights crime. Sad Spider-Man isn't particularly funny. Sad Spider-Man cries a little bit. Sad Spider-Man's powers don't work really well. Sad Spider-Man gets angry too. And in this case, Sad Spider-Man is diminished because so much of his journey is focused on another character's emotional arch that is totally unrelated to Spider-Man and his bullshit.

To his credit, he never flirts with an emo haircut, a black suit and disco dancing around Manhattan. Perhaps that would've been a step too far.

And Spider-Man has a good reason to be sad. His aunt died. His mentor died. His best friends have forgotten him due to a wizard's spell. I think he's a frustrated virgin. And the whole world doesn't know who he really is. He's not only lonely, but he actively makes himself even lonelier in the film. He's truly his own worst enemy.

Which is crazy because this movie has an insane number of villains in it, but over half of them are only brief cameos in an early montage. Don't fall in love with any of them, because they're on screen for less than 5 seconds. Blink and you'll miss the Tarantula!

Sure, he's pals with The Punisher now, but that friendship is based on fun stories of things that happened off camera and we've never seen them interract before and the friendship is argumentative and contentious and they both think the other one is kinda ridiculous and a pain-in-the-ass. It's difficult for me to invest in this new relationship, when the perfectly good relationship with Ned and MJ is just sitting there, waiting to be reactivated magically or whatnot.

There are a few cameos from other MARVEL characters and we wait kinda a long time for a really big action sequence. Over an hour and hoo boy, it IS a doozy and worth the wait. But that's a lot of conversations to slog through to eventually see some combat.

But if I'm being honest: I fell asleep in this movie a few times. Literally fell asleep. Dozed off. But I woke up before I face-planted right into my popcorn bag and snored in front of the stranger to my left. I have never fallen asleep in a Spider-Man movie before. Unheard of.

I really like the previous three Spider-Man movies. They're zippy fun. Discovering powers (Wowee!) and keeping or failing to keep a secret identity (Golly Gee!) and the Night Monkey (whoever he is!) and a bunch of old villains and a handful of old Spider-Man showed up (Zoinks!) . Plus the wizard! There's a lot to like about the original films.

They're fun.

And I'm a sucker for a fun Spider-Man film. Brand New Day is really well made. But it's not particularly fun. And I think it suffers for that.

To the credit of the director and his D.P. and the colorist, this film looks fantastic. The colors are brighter. New York looks and feels like New York. The practical Spider suit looks like a million bucks. The combat looks a lot like the Insomniac games, but honestly, that's not a bad thing. The game combat is top-notch Spider-Man stuff. And the mid-film combat scene is both thrilling and a little terrifying in the best possible way.

So, this isn't a total waste. It may not interest me, but I have to recognize that it's really, really well made. And for the folks who do like Sad Spider-Man, it's some premium, well-made artisanal Sad Spider-Man. I know folks who were genuinely touched by the film and that's the experience I hope viewers have with it. Maybe you will too.

I saw it. I'll probably watch the fight sequences again when they come out on Youtube. But I can't imagine myself ever watching this again all the way through. A little sad Spider-Man goes a long way.

Remember Joy? We should try Joy again. We suffer from a lack of Joy.

I don't think the viewing format really matters. See it on a big screen or wait until it's on Disney+ or whatever. There is a post end credit scene, but it's barely worth mentioning. Have a friend tell you what it is and get to the bathroom 8 minutes earlier. You'll thank me for it.

⭐⭐⭐ out of ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

Spider-Man: Brand New Day

Directed by Destin Daniel Cretton.

Written by Chris McKenna and Erik Sommers.

Starring Tom Holland, Zendaya, Jacob Battalon (as the other Guy InChair), Jon Bernthal, Mark Ruffalo and Sadie Sink as Exactly Who You Think She Is.